Yesterday evening was the annual award ceremony for literary prizes, in the Starlight ballroom in Tebu Ankhuman. It is an evening my bookish heart looks forward to.
This year to my surprise I was honored by a first prize! These come with a large sum of ISK - one I cannot accept for myself due to my vow of poverty, but traditionally I add this amount to SFRIM's skillbook fund. This year I can raise the maximum grant amount.
The prize also comes with the temptations of vanity and pride, grave sins, and moreover ones that particularly affect those in academia, and those in the creative arts. Especially the atheist artists: they have no choice but to build their life's meaning through their own creations. Doing so, they have none but themselves as ultimate judge of meaningfulness, which must lead to some existential doubt. So, any outside acknowledgment is an encouragement.
I also found it hard to shield myself from these twin sins. I admit I felt pride. It seems like God's retribution was immediate: suddenly, the heretic Nauplius appeared at the ceremony.
Rationally I know that Tebu Ankhuman is a freeport, and that all were allowed to come and not be harmed, but nevertheless I felt outraged that he was not immediately apprehended. Khan Arline Kley, bless her sword, was ready to do God's work, but was stopped. She must have felt the same indignation. Matters got worse: Nauplius started spewing his venom, saying that the throne is vacant. Most Amarrian capsuleers just looked away rather than decrying this lie. I may have shouted 'Hail the Empress' louder than I expected. The hails were not echoed.
Some of our capsuleers did worse than stay silent: lady Raleigh was flattering the heretic, even being flirty. She did repent after the fact, but I could not bring myself to give her absolution right there. I heard her words, but could not judge whether they were truthful.
It all made me angry to a degree that surprised myself. Perhaps this anger in a way was still a reaction to my own failings a year ago, some sort of overcompensation too late after the facts.
