For immortal beings, we remain so very fragile.
Yesterday I had a long conversation with Yun-Hee Yubari, a capsuleer that I met before on several occasions. I never got to know this shy Achuran very well, but I have always appreciated her for her kindness. I think we first met when she was working at Café Marlinea in Mehatoor's 24th Imperial Crusade station. She gave up on that job soon after LUMEN (the café's main client) moved to Nasreri. She followed us there and did some security jobs. We shared tea at her home and garden. After LUMEN moved back to its Mehatoor headquarters, we lost contact.
Recently, she informed me that she no longer wanted to live. Not just reclone and wipe some memories, as I at first thought, but biomass without recloning.
Our first instinct, hard-wired in the oldest vestigial folds of the brain, is to preserve life at any cost. Send her to the medbay, perhaps with force, and try to change her mind. Yun-Hee had foreseen such a reaction, and agreed to meet me on the explicit condition that I would not spend my time trying to talk her out of her decision. Having no other option, and no real power over fellow capsuleers, I conceded.
So we talked about life, and her feeling of not fitting. Her feelings of constant sadness, tiredness of life, an inability to find meaning. It became clear to me that she has taken a long time to consider and think through her decision. It is not on a whim, or because of some acute problem. She has been suffering mentally for a long while, and there is no solution to it. It would be unjust of me to force her to prolong this suffering indefinitely.
I am grateful that she explained this to me, as it offers some consolation, and a way to accept her decision at a rational level. But deep down I cannot escape the feeling that I failed to save a life, not yesterday, but years ago.
((ooc: if the topics discussed in today's blog affect you or if you're struggling with these issues, please know that there are always people you can turn to. In Eve's community we have "broadcast 4 reps" and on their resources page your can find links to professional help and programs.))
