My HR interview

I met the HR manager. Honestly, I have no clue what to make of this. So I'm just going to log the literal record of the conversation, without comment.

 

----

HR manager recites in a monotonous voice: "The overall purpose of Human Remains management is to ensure that an organization is able to achieve success through its corpses. The purpose of today's meeting with you is to have an open, two-way conversation to agree on a strategic approach to the effective management of your corpse and to set some goals for you to help your corporation gain a competitive advantage through your corpse."

 

HR manager says in a more enthusiast voice "Our slogan is: we put the corpse in corporation! "

Theodosius Savnar: "There is only corp in corporation, not 'corpse'. The 'se' is missing."

HR manager starts taking notes. "I sense a negative attitude, mr. Savnar. You would be surprised how many corpses there are in an average capsuleer corporation."

HR manager: "Now, tell me a bit about your corpse."

Theodosius Savnar: "Err, well... I found it during an archeological expedition of a Takmahl system in the Araz constellation, it has been well preserved and I would like to reactivate it and read out its cybernetic implants."

HR manager: "How does your corpse fit in your company?"

Theodosius Savnar is tempted to answer "sideways, in a coffin" but then senses that humor may not be appropriate here. He remains silent, thinking, as he has no idea what this question could even mean.

HR manager:  "Let me rephrase this: How would your corpse be an asset to your company?"

 

Theodosius Savnar: "... from... the knowledge we gain from it?"

HR manager:  "Can we agree that this focuses strongly on the short-term advantages of onboarding your corpse? Let's explore the overall picture a bit: How would you know your corpse is successful at helping the long-term goals of your corporation?"

Theodosius Savnar blinks. "Ah, well I have to admit this is a bit of a project of myself rather than of the Societas as a whole. I am given the liberty to pursue my quest, which was given to me in a visio-"

HR manager interrupts, "Sorry to interrupt - and I am so glad we have this conversation, mr. Savnar, it is quite needed I see. I would like to suggest that we work together to come to an answer to my question. Let's start here: what would you say are your corpse's greatest strengths and weaknesses?"

Theodosius Savnar: "Strength: intact Takmahl implants, weakness: decay. The leg fell off."

HR manager:  "Decay is bad. How well does your corpse handle pressure?"

Theodosius Savnar: "Quite well, I think."

HR manager:  "In that case it would be good to find the ideal pressure level for conservation in an inert atmosphere. Can we agree on that action point?"

Theodosius Savnar: "Sure."

HR manager:  "You say that your corpse will be involved in a project for which you have sole responsibility within your department. Now, let's try to think about how that links with the other departments. What role will your corpse play in the team?"

Theodosius Savnar: "I ..."

HR manager:  "There is no 'I' in TEAM, mr. Savnar."

Theodosius Savnar: "There is no 'corpse' either."

HR manager:  "Your response suggests negative emotions, please try to keep this two-way conversation open and constructive."

Theodosius Savnar: "It will be a nice asset for the medical team... department?"

HR manager:  "Good, I note that besides contributions to R&D there is also separate value to the medical department. Well our time is almost up, mr. Savnar, but I think there are still a lot of things to discuss, so another action point that we can agree on is a follow-up cadaver empowerment talk and a corpse performance review for next quarter."

Theodosius Savnar nods, pretending to understand.

HR manager says with forced enthusiasm "Let's proactively empower your corpse's valorisation trajectory together!" and hands over the document with action points.

HR manager also hands over a flyer "Show this to your director or directrix and talk about hiring an HR professional, it will greatly benefit your organisation".

 

HR manager: "You will hear from us. Goodbye mr. Savnar."